The stone where my yes begins.

This past week I wrestled with something God spoke to me. As you make your way through this story, I want you to step in with both feet and ask yourself these two questions:

• What is God currently speaking to me?
• Am I walking in obedience?

Something not quite right

If you’ve been following my journey over the last five years you know that my life has been an adventure serving on missions. Whether it be in Angelo, another city in Texas, another state, or overseas, I have done a bit of traveling for ministry. This being said, this is not my first time in Central America, and is not even my first time in Guatemala. It’s not my first time doing kids ministry or house visits or sports ministry. It’s not my first time being exposed to this similar culture. But somehow, my first two weeks in Guatemala had me feeling so disconnected.

I found myself enjoying what I was doing but not as passionate about it as I have been in the past. This honestly was frustrating for me. Why was I not thriving in a place I usually thrive in? As I talked with the Lord he began to soften my heart in preparation for what He has for me, but I hadn’t entirely understood what was coming.

A little backstory

To help you better understand what the Lord spoke recently, here’s a little supporting story. It’s honestly crazy to me how much the Lord has been creating stepping stones as I prepare for this path. In Georgia during training camp my squad leader asked me if I would be willing to step into a role as one of our squads worship coordinators. As soon as I heard that question my first thought was “absolutely not”… I don’t sing well and I’m not really great at playing any instruments so like “why me”? It made no sense in my head. But she proceeded to tell me to pray about it, and let her know the following day an answer. So I prayed about it. I told God that night that if I was going to step into that position that He would have to carry 100% of the team. Then it clicked. God should be carrying 100% of the team in every area of my life. So now here I am, coordinating weekly worship alongside one other squad mate of mine, and loving this first stepping stone of growth.

Officially back on the field

So now to Guatemala time. Last week, I began to experience passion again. However, this time it was in a coffee shop in Antigua, in a little room called: Prayer House. In that prayer room God began to speak louder than a whisper. Last Thursday, September 28th, my hearts deepest desire was to learn how to pray and worship the way those in that room cried out and sang to the Lord. After we wrapped up the morning in prayer and worship I stepped into the uncomfortable and asked one of the local missionaries (Sofi) the question, “can you teach me how to pray/worship like that?” Y’all. Being in that room is something I can’t explain. Reading scripture, talking to God, singing songs, it felt like a piece of Heaven. It was so genuine and real. So much light and life. It can seem scary being that it is such a new environment to me, but I love it so much.

That Saturday, Sofi messaged me a passage of scripture and simply told me to “meditate on it, pray it, and ask the Lord to give you insight on it”. This message intimidated me at first. I was hoping for this “hey here’s the answer, learn it, do it” kind of start (because that sounded easier in my head haha) but there I was staring at Colossians 3:13-16 asking myself “what am I supposed to hear from these verses?”

“…bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”

Dwelling in scripture

I started by writing the scripture down, and then broke down each sentence. Each time I read the passage I kept getting stuck on the word “dwell”. So I looked up a handful of other places that word was used throughout scripture in the Bible, studied the definition, and read some commentary. My concluding statement was “when I dwell on the word of Christ, it will produce an overflowing heart of worship in me” and y’all, that overflowing heart of worship is what includes teaching and admonishing, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, and responding to the Lord with thankfulness (vs 16). It made me think of being filled and pouring out and how if you have the scripture grounded in your heart and mind then you can pour out in/from an overflow of praise/thankfulness. That short time in that passage of scripture was only the beginning to a heart of worship. Another stepping stone added to my path.

Released into rest

Fast forward to Bible study this past Wednesday morning. For about 5 or 6 days prior to Wednesday I was experiencing terrible dreams at night. They felt so real. I had a hard time falling asleep and once I finally did, I wasn’t sleeping much. Wednesday morning I showed up to Bible study feeling exhausted and my body was expressing physical symptoms of anxiety. I knew in my head what was true, but my chest was tight, my body/hands were shaking, I just felt so off. After spending time in scripture one of the local missionaries had me stand in the middle and my teammates and others there laid their hands on me and prayed over me, that I would be able to rest. After praying I knew I had to say out loud the full circle of it. When I spoke out loud that I was struggling with fear and anxiety I was then told to pray over myself. This was hard. But I did it. After praying such a short but powerful prayer my body could breathe. I felt so much peace and freedom. The rest of the day my body was more relaxed, had more energy, and since that day I have not had one bad dream at night. This proved to me how powerful prayer really is, and how important it is to speak/pray aloud myself. Another part of prayer/worship that God revealed to me. Another stepping stone added to my path.

Where my yes began

Now for Thursday. The day God really wrecked my heart and my yes began. Thursday morning started with time in the Prayer House, each week we pray during that time for Israel, (I can talk a whole conversation on that alone because it’s also a very new concept for me) but this Thursday was different. While we prayed I asked God to help me know His presence. After being in the prayer room I got a few needed things done and then spent time with God reading my Bible. I studied the name of God (YHWH) and different titles He is given throughout scripture. This season I am so hungry to know God more. I just want to soak up everything like a sponge.

A step in disobedience

When I wrapped up studying it was time to head back to the coffee shop to “pre-game pray” (Ashley’s way of saying “pray/worship before worship night”). When we were praying God really softened my heart. It was mostly all in Spanish so I kinda had this little talk with him like “God I can’t understand any of this, how am I supposed to sing when I don’t know the language” and I feel like He just replied “right now I’m asking you to pray, and you don’t need to know any Spanish to do that”. I just cried. I sat there with the sound of singing and praying in Spanish around me and it was so beautiful. I talked to Him, and He talked to me. When I asked God to speak to me in a way I could hear Him, not how I wanted Him to speak to me, but how He knew I would understand, I was confident in that moment that He was calling me to/for “prayer rooms” (intercession). Which was a funny conversation between us because I blatantly told him  “sorry God, but no.” I told him that I am not capable of that. I don’t know how to pray that well, I don’t have a good voice to sing. I don’t know how to sing scripture in spontaneous songs. I just told Him I am so far from capable of doing what He’s asked. So I wrestled with it.

Disobedience redeemed

When I left that room to help set up for worship night I felt this little internal battle in my mind. I knew my “no” was disobedient. In the middle of set up busyness, Sofi and I had a conversation that really brought a lot of peace into my mind and heart. She told me how God healed her, how she learned to pray the scriptures. I just could hear God saying in that moment “this is what I want you to do”. I still wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by “pray scripture” so I asked her how to do it and then she literally taught me, she showed me how to do it. It was so humbling. Such a sweet moment. I was so encouraged. So thankful for all the ways Sofi has helped me. Another stepping stone of growth.

My yes: fully surrendered

Finally getting to the “YES”. Worship night was officially starting so Sofi and I ended the conversation and I went into worship with such an openness in my posture. The songs were mostly in Spanish so I didn’t understand much in them again, but I knew without a doubt God was there and Holy Spirit was moving and He was listening and would speak. I cried so much. I talked to God again about prayer rooms. I thanked Him many times for how much He revealed Himself to me throughout the day/week. Then I heard it again “let me carry you 100%”. So I finally said yes. I told God that if He is calling me to prayer/worship rooms then I need Him to carry me 100% and fill my weakness with His strength. I need Him to teach me, lead me, and help me walk in obedience. I asked Him to give me spiritual discipline to walk in this path, and to fill me with desires to grow in this and love it above all else. Another stepping stone added to my path.

Dwelling with a heart of worship

So to answer the questions I originally asked you:

• God has been speaking to me about how I should dwell on the words of Christ, and walk in this new path of prayer and worship.
• Without knowing the fullness of my future, I’m going to walk in obedience as much as I know until God gives me another direction or way of learning prayer and worship in a deeper way.

So my next step starts with memorizing scripture. Because to pray scripture and sing scripture I have to know scripture. With this added stone, now my yes begins.

• What is God currently speaking to you?
• Are you walking in obedience?